I would say that I am kind of a feminist, so having a second girl should make me happy. Nope, I was crushed when my two second old was placed on my chest and my husband said “girl”, a million things went through my head. Shock, excitement, fear, and mostly “Oh crap, we don’t have a name picked out”.
After the few hours of chaos in the hospital we were finally in our room to rest for a few before the next nurse came. I stared at my baby girl, she was beautiful, sweet and had such a kind face. I truly loved her with all my heart, but my feeling of disappointment grew. IVF was torture and financially draining. This was our second round and second baby. We had two embryos pass genetics testing this time, and we asked if there was a boy to please transfer that one. Did the Dr not understand our request? Or did we only have two females to choose from?
The days passed and I couldn’t help but replay my questions over and over. For peace of mind I dug out our IFV paperwork and discovered that not only were both of our healthy embryos girls, ALL of the embryos were girls. We never had a chance at a boy.
The first three weeks at home I spent many hours crying alone. As an athlete I was trained to never show my feelings unless it would help benefit the team. Showing this sadness would not help my husband who was learning to be a dad of two, or my older daughter who was learning to be a big sister or my new baby who needed me at my best. However, I couldn’t let go that I would never experience boy things (whatever that means, maybe it’s buying teepees for changing diapers). I have no brothers and now no sons. The chance of my husband’s and now my last name being carried on is slim to none. But there was more, why did I really care so much?
Growing up I tried to fight the good fight for gender equality in athletics. I longed for the respect that the boys would get, I wanted the fans to come to my games, and mostly I desperately wanted to play forever as a career. I was so sad that I had a girl because I grew up knowing what it feels like to be “good for a girl”. To gain respect you have to be twice as talented as a male. Fans came to the sexy sports and even then wouldn’t pay money. Professional women’s sports are so lame that most can barely afford to live little alone make a decent income.
I want more for my daughters. If they decide to be athletes or honestly anything “male driven” my prayer is that there is an opportunity for them to do so. Hopefully, any potential significant other will be proud and not threatened (just like my hubs, Jeff). My career in sports was my identity for so long. But in a few short years it is hard to see myself as that person now that I am a mom and “just” a coach.
After thinking, crying and being pissed I now know that I will never give up for my girls. They can be more than just looks, a mom (especially if it’s as hard as it was for me), emotional. We can be smart, tough, funny, athletic and whatever the heck else we wanna be. Thank you to all the badass women paving the way for a better future for my daughters and all little girls out there!
PS. We did finally come up with a name after a few days… Sadie